Jeanne Renaud • He Loved Me So Much

There's a man in the other room
He's not a lover
He's not a husband
He's not a brother, father or son
Not even a friend

Sour tongue
from all that migraine medicine
I'll take some Nyquil
brush my teeth
see how I feel in the morning

I'll live somewhere
where I know whose food is in the refrigerator

There's nobody here talking back at me
My phone doesn't ring
My boyfriend doesn't call
I don't have a boyfriend
My cat's hot in her fur

I missed the boat. Had the boat
but gave up the boat
cause I wanted a better boat

Crawl crawl
Eyes look of into stare
Flick of the ear
Reality shows in the ears
She licks her paw

Noise noise
Cars gates rollers
Shopping cart car alarm
Freeway engine engine

And the name of that restaurant, Habachi
like his name, Kalani
that promised so much more
than it delivered

He never called me back
She climbed up here with her hot self
I kiss her forehead

And the Zig
And the Zag

I'll make him
I'll make him fall in love with me

And a home
and me in the house
looking back at him

My teeth hurt
And my jaw
I have to open wide
My pen doesn't write so good

My head bleeds
Outside breathes
I look into my closet of clothes
There are footsteps
outside my door
I'm an artist
I'm a star

I'm a never-ending stream of cars
Never-ending impulse to eat
(I eat men like air)

Do you want to move in together
And I can get a job around here
And we can fuck everynight
And I can make dinner

Why don't you want me?
Why don't you love me?
Are you my boyfriend?
Do you want to have a family?

I wonder how it would have been
if he hadn't had to leave

I wonder if my eyes will ever close again
Instead of all the pain around the nose
the snap of the jaw

A tongue not meant to be shut up
in a mouth for so long

My stomach no longer a part of me
I'm all alone in this house tonight
adjusting adjusting adjusting

He loved me so much
He called me his little actress

I wonder if he gets further away
with every man I spend